The Great Sucking Machine!

I'm sure you've all got one in your house. It appears just when you're nicely curled up in your favourite spot. You've washed your important bits. You know, done the display of back legs stuck in the air one at a time (my owner says that's when I'm on my mobile phone), licked a few lengths of tail even though it damned well won't keep still! Licked one flank just a bit here and there (remembering which bit you can leave out next time)plastering down the fur with a few damp tongue marks; maybe you've done a front paw, and the corresponding whiskery zone (Choochie bit), and perhaps one ear (do it right or it ends up flattened, or worse inside out, which can take ages to sort out). Then you've dozily flopped down for that afternoon nap with a few dollops of tuna and prawn in the old tum. But just as you stretched out your sticks of rhubarb (back legs) and jumbled them up with your front paws (fiddling sticks), there comes that squeaky rattling sound of the sucking machine as it stumbles through the open door.
Now, initially you'll fix an ear on it or maybe one slitty eye. After all it often sits around the house inanimately for days and can be safely ignored. Perhaps it's merely decided to stand just inside the door for a while. But, it's a touch menacing just stood there and now you're cautiously aware of its presence.
The instant you hear that flicking of unwinding mains flex it's 'action stations'. You're Puss Bond again! You know the atmosphere is about to change; like those tense seconds before the first shot in a gun fight. Your muscles become poised; eyes widen. Your mind is racing; trying to evaluate possible escape routes. Invariably the only way out is through the very door the monster sucker is blocking! Suddenly, as you feared, the moaning droan starts up with a click. The sucking monster begins it's cruel teasing motion of to and fro, seeking out its prey. Now you've got to anticipate it's next few moves. It's live or be sucked into oblivion. Which way to dive for the safest exit? If you're lucky, there's a clunk; a graunching noise followed by clack,clack clack. The monster groans to silence. This is your chance! Zip out, quick while the monster's using a toothpick to remove a piece of grit.
That's another afternoon napping spot out of bounds for a few days. We all have to endure it. There's no hiding place from the vicious sucking monster. Sometimes it even grows a long snake-like tongue and comes slurping under the bed towards you. The best advice I can offer is that you make sure to leave a few small stones or gritty deposits around your house to get lodged in the monsters teeth. It always stops to clear its throat giving you a few valuable seconds to escape.

Herky