There once was an old tom called Herky
Who gulped down his seasonal turkey
But the lesson came quick
When, he was violently sick
And his tummy turned queasy and querky.
by Mr Human
Herky - Oh, ha ha! You'll regret that one - hmm... an icky pile on the bed would be difficult to clear up, wouldn't it!
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See how the foot scraper's kindly set to one side to save our little tippy-toes!
MH:What's it like out there, Herky? H:Wet and windy again!
One ear back means decision time!
Autumn on the way. I stare for many hours at Mr Gnome and he stares back.
How much longer!
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Blog Archive
Full Content:
February 2010
Simon's Cat - 'Snow Business'
January 2010
Wii Wish You A Merry Christmas!
November 2009
Roofless Thieves!
Sunday. Another Day Of Rest!
October 2009
Take That!
A Midsummer Night's Prickle
Simon's Cat -'Hot Spot'
Ode To Idleness
July 2009
A New Simon's Cat! - 'Fly Guy'
Lord Mole-de-Morte
June 2009
Lawn Walkin'
May 2009
Another Job For Two-Legs.
Yorick, Wherefore Art Thou?
Fat Cat.
Ye Biting Of The Foot Of The Hand.....!
Alas! Poor Yorick!
APRIL 2009
Printer Trouble
Live Entertainment!
Ch..ch..ch..changes!
Long Live the Smartest!
Maintain Your Dignity At All Times(Youtube)
MARCH 2009
Blogger's Block (Non-writipuss)
FEBRUARY 2009
Ay, There's The Rump!
To Eat Or Not To Eat
Hubble Bubble Boiler Trouble!
JANUARY 2009
Indoor Games
A Winter Cold
Intruder Alarm!
How Cats Were Made (Poem)
Back To Black
Chris's Mass Marinade And Baby Cheeses
DECEMBER 2008
Eddie Izzard On Cats And Dogs
Winter Days In
Simon's Sister's Dog (Timely Warning)
Legs Eleven And A Mouse In The House
NOVEMBER 2008
Food For Thought (Poem)
Get Your Own Dinner (Game)
Wind And Words
A Day In The Life.
Wet Wet Wet (Poem)
Why We're Not Allowed In The Bedroom At Night.
Quantum Of Solace.
OCTOBER 2008
Simon's Cat - TV Dinner. (Brilliant!)
Eat Now, Pay Later.
Simon's Cat - Let Me In!
Season Of Mists And Smelly Fetishes. (Poem)
The Rule Of The Velvet Paw!
Crime And The Recession!
SEPTEMBER 2008
Mind Your Ankles You Skinflints!
Will The Black Hole Ever Be Filled?
AUGUST 2008
A Day's Work Is Never Done (Poem)
Back To The Future (Poem)
Synchronised Washing
Florence Nightingale And The Retching Boy.
JULY 2008
Murder Most Horrid - In The Dark!
Halfway Down The Steps.
Fish Face!
Of Mice And Men.
Disaster as the Credit Crunch brings Crunchy Bits!
Wimbledon and the Electric Tennis Tournament
JUNE 2008
The Light Was On, But There Was No-One Home
I Travel The World and Eat Foreign Food
Beware, The Wockyjabber(Poem)
MAY 2008
The Cat And Piddle (Poem)
The Right To Remain Silent (Poem)
Of Birds And Beetles.
When Cats Attack! (Video)
The Cat SATs (On the mat!)
A Thick Ear For Boris and The General Strike.
Oh no, not Boris!
APRIL 2008
Out of This World!
The Fur is Flying!
Magic Windows and The Beijing Olympics
Hey You Two...Ooops!
Blowing Hot and Cold!
MARCH 2008
Paws for Thought (Poem)
An End to Wind and Spray
The Natural History Museum
We Don't Always Like Our Neighbours
Amusing Cat Photos
We Bring 'em Back Alive
FEBRUARY 2008
The Power of Persuasion
Kitchen Respray Mystery..
8 Out of 10 Owners...
It's A Bloody Mystery
Lighter Days Are Coming
JANUARY 2008
Aggressive Paper Recycling
Into The Night - So What?
DECEMBER 2007
Paper Recycling
World Domination
Of Food And Smells
Herky Turkey Querky (Poem)
I Can Tell Christmas Is Coming
Doh! It's Raining Again
Talking Of Sucking Monsters
The Great Sucking Machine
NOVEMBER 2007
Cat Alarm Clock
Scratching Posts
Mr Dribble (Poem)
When The Estate Agent Called
Do You Have To Live With A Dog?
Puss Bond And Mr Mouse
Purring Phenomen (Poem)
Whizz Bangs (Poem)
Itchy, Flicky Bits (Poem)
Thoughts On Washing(Poem)
Ha Ha! More LIke Heh Heh!
Hungry? How To Get What You Want.
Buttons And Bottoms
OCTOBER 2007
Running Upside Down
The Contrary Law (Poem)
Wisdom From An Old Tom (Very Useful Tips For Novice Cats)
The Riddle of Sticks And Legs (Poem)
The Great Cat Flap, Flap!
The Night Shift (Poem)
Oh, yes! My Autobiography
AUGUST 2007
Summer's Arrived
Simon's Cat - 'Snow Business'
January 2010
Wii Wish You A Merry Christmas!
November 2009
Roofless Thieves!
Sunday. Another Day Of Rest!
October 2009
Take That!
A Midsummer Night's Prickle
Simon's Cat -'Hot Spot'
Ode To Idleness
July 2009
A New Simon's Cat! - 'Fly Guy'
Lord Mole-de-Morte
June 2009
Lawn Walkin'
May 2009
Another Job For Two-Legs.
Yorick, Wherefore Art Thou?
Fat Cat.
Ye Biting Of The Foot Of The Hand.....!
Alas! Poor Yorick!
APRIL 2009
Printer Trouble
Live Entertainment!
Ch..ch..ch..changes!
Long Live the Smartest!
Maintain Your Dignity At All Times(Youtube)
MARCH 2009
Blogger's Block (Non-writipuss)
FEBRUARY 2009
Ay, There's The Rump!
To Eat Or Not To Eat
Hubble Bubble Boiler Trouble!
JANUARY 2009
Indoor Games
A Winter Cold
Intruder Alarm!
How Cats Were Made (Poem)
Back To Black
Chris's Mass Marinade And Baby Cheeses
DECEMBER 2008
Eddie Izzard On Cats And Dogs
Winter Days In
Simon's Sister's Dog (Timely Warning)
Legs Eleven And A Mouse In The House
NOVEMBER 2008
Food For Thought (Poem)
Get Your Own Dinner (Game)
Wind And Words
A Day In The Life.
Wet Wet Wet (Poem)
Why We're Not Allowed In The Bedroom At Night.
Quantum Of Solace.
OCTOBER 2008
Simon's Cat - TV Dinner. (Brilliant!)
Eat Now, Pay Later.
Simon's Cat - Let Me In!
Season Of Mists And Smelly Fetishes. (Poem)
The Rule Of The Velvet Paw!
Crime And The Recession!
SEPTEMBER 2008
Mind Your Ankles You Skinflints!
Will The Black Hole Ever Be Filled?
AUGUST 2008
A Day's Work Is Never Done (Poem)
Back To The Future (Poem)
Synchronised Washing
Florence Nightingale And The Retching Boy.
JULY 2008
Murder Most Horrid - In The Dark!
Halfway Down The Steps.
Fish Face!
Of Mice And Men.
Disaster as the Credit Crunch brings Crunchy Bits!
Wimbledon and the Electric Tennis Tournament
JUNE 2008
The Light Was On, But There Was No-One Home
I Travel The World and Eat Foreign Food
Beware, The Wockyjabber(Poem)
MAY 2008
The Cat And Piddle (Poem)
The Right To Remain Silent (Poem)
Of Birds And Beetles.
When Cats Attack! (Video)
The Cat SATs (On the mat!)
A Thick Ear For Boris and The General Strike.
Oh no, not Boris!
APRIL 2008
Out of This World!
The Fur is Flying!
Magic Windows and The Beijing Olympics
Hey You Two...Ooops!
Blowing Hot and Cold!
MARCH 2008
Paws for Thought (Poem)
An End to Wind and Spray
The Natural History Museum
We Don't Always Like Our Neighbours
Amusing Cat Photos
We Bring 'em Back Alive
FEBRUARY 2008
The Power of Persuasion
Kitchen Respray Mystery..
8 Out of 10 Owners...
It's A Bloody Mystery
Lighter Days Are Coming
JANUARY 2008
Aggressive Paper Recycling
Into The Night - So What?
DECEMBER 2007
Paper Recycling
World Domination
Of Food And Smells
Herky Turkey Querky (Poem)
I Can Tell Christmas Is Coming
Doh! It's Raining Again
Talking Of Sucking Monsters
The Great Sucking Machine
NOVEMBER 2007
Cat Alarm Clock
Scratching Posts
Mr Dribble (Poem)
When The Estate Agent Called
Do You Have To Live With A Dog?
Puss Bond And Mr Mouse
Purring Phenomen (Poem)
Whizz Bangs (Poem)
Itchy, Flicky Bits (Poem)
Thoughts On Washing(Poem)
Ha Ha! More LIke Heh Heh!
Hungry? How To Get What You Want.
Buttons And Bottoms
OCTOBER 2007
Running Upside Down
The Contrary Law (Poem)
Wisdom From An Old Tom (Very Useful Tips For Novice Cats)
The Riddle of Sticks And Legs (Poem)
The Great Cat Flap, Flap!
The Night Shift (Poem)
Oh, yes! My Autobiography
AUGUST 2007
Summer's Arrived
In, Out, In, Out. It's what's my life's about.
See how the foot scraper's kindly set to one side to save our little tippy-toes!
Cat Flap Queue
MH:What's it like out there, Herky? H:Wet and windy again!
The Thinker!
Bored? Do My Herky Portrait Puzzle (Click Below)
Caught One!
Yep, caught my first mouse in six months last night. I was so proud, I took it indoors and summoned the Humans. Mr Human got all excited, waved his arms about, babbled something in a squeaky voice and made me take it outside again! Some positive encouragement that! Anyway, munched it while still fresh, remembering to leave the slimey bit and tail for the witches.
Of course, then Millhouse had to upstage me. He always does, the young whipper snapper. He brought his in during the night and let it go in the kitchen. The great excitement is that it's now living under the washing machine. That's handy because it's going to rain all day today and we need some entertainment in the dry.
Mrs Human is doing her kitchen work on tippy toes at the moment. Tee Hee!
Of course, then Millhouse had to upstage me. He always does, the young whipper snapper. He brought his in during the night and let it go in the kitchen. The great excitement is that it's now living under the washing machine. That's handy because it's going to rain all day today and we need some entertainment in the dry.
Mrs Human is doing her kitchen work on tippy toes at the moment. Tee Hee!
Nicknames - You'll get plenty of these.
Here is a list of current names my humans call me. (Strangely emphasising weight!):
Bifidus Digestivum
Pork-U-Like
Diplodocus
Ooooftus
Pussus Catus
Chubbly
Herkpork
Porkulaenium
Tubblet
Cross Patch
Gallumper
Dollop Chops
Dribbler
Oooozy Chops
Bigus Fattus
Pork Farm
Diddly Bips (That's when I'm running)
Oh and .....Herky Boy, of course!
Bifidus Digestivum
Pork-U-Like
Diplodocus
Ooooftus
Pussus Catus
Chubbly
Herkpork
Porkulaenium
Tubblet
Cross Patch
Gallumper
Dollop Chops
Dribbler
Oooozy Chops
Bigus Fattus
Pork Farm
Diddly Bips (That's when I'm running)
Oh and .....Herky Boy, of course!
Blast! It's Raining!
One ear back means decision time!
Keep Your Eyes - Open!
Sign seen at the roadside "CATS EYES REMOVED".
And they think we're cruel! Be warned!
And they think we're cruel! Be warned!
About Me
- Thinks!
- Bournemouth, Dorset, United Kingdom
- My real name is Hercules. But I'm also called 'oofty' because I'm chubby, and 'diplodocus' because I plod about. I'm a pussus catus born near Poole. I now live a pampered life near Bournemouth. All my requirements are met at my command. I have a large back garden to roam in which is surrounded by fields full of rabbits and mice. I like to play with them but they don't play for very long and then I get bored. Why 'Thinks'? Well, it's what Bluebottle used to say when he had a 'thought' on the Goon Show. Being a radio show we wouldn't have known otherwise, would we!
Cat View from Front Window
View from the Cat Flap
Autumn on the way. I stare for many hours at Mr Gnome and he stares back.
Stop Press - String From Bottom Drama!
From personal experience, eating string or woollen thread is a 'no, no!'
I know it's tempting. You've trapped the thread your owner is tantilisingly drawing under the newspaper and you must bite it with enthusiasm. Got to be done, hasn't it! Well, just remember not to swallow it my friends.
The result for me a few days later was a length of string swinging from my bottom and following me about in a most undignified manner. Worse! On the end was a nice round nut of poo which kept banging my ankles. The shame!
For some reason Mister did not like this display very much either and thankfully, removal was delicately carried out with a pair of pliers accompanied by a retching sound in Mister's throat. I'm usually banished to the garden when I make that sound. One rule for them and one for me, eh?
I know it's tempting. You've trapped the thread your owner is tantilisingly drawing under the newspaper and you must bite it with enthusiasm. Got to be done, hasn't it! Well, just remember not to swallow it my friends.
The result for me a few days later was a length of string swinging from my bottom and following me about in a most undignified manner. Worse! On the end was a nice round nut of poo which kept banging my ankles. The shame!
For some reason Mister did not like this display very much either and thankfully, removal was delicately carried out with a pair of pliers accompanied by a retching sound in Mister's throat. I'm usually banished to the garden when I make that sound. One rule for them and one for me, eh?
Millhouse & me - tea time!
How much longer!
Can it possibly be true?
You know those round rubber tea towel holders with the little cross cut in them so you can tuck in the end of the towel?
Well, some bright spark has suggested the designer got the idea from looking at cats' bottoms!
Spare my dignity, please!
Well, some bright spark has suggested the designer got the idea from looking at cats' bottoms!
Spare my dignity, please!
Portland, Dorset
Portland is of course where Portland Stone is quarried and indeed much of London was rebuilt using this stone after the great fire of 1666.
The stone was loaded directly onto sailing ships and transported along the south coast and into the river Thames. Surprising what I know, isn't it?
I also have a nickname derived from this place. My humans sometimes call me 'Porkland' just because I'm a little on the portly side!
The stone was loaded directly onto sailing ships and transported along the south coast and into the river Thames. Surprising what I know, isn't it?
I also have a nickname derived from this place. My humans sometimes call me 'Porkland' just because I'm a little on the portly side!
Lulworth Cove, Dorset.
Lulworth is about 10 miles from my domain and this is where my Housemasters sometimes go for a walk around this natural harbour. Although cloudy, the temperature was around 25c when this picture was taken. They climbed up onto the clifftop where there is a fossilised forest. (See Below) The fossilised tree stumps are those of tropical trees indicating that once this area was much farther south. They didn't find any fossilised mice though.
The Fossil Forest
Feeling Low?
If you're feeling low owner's sympathy can be won immediately by flattening one ear. Known in cat circles as the 'french beret' look.
Got Worms?
Find a slab of concrete and drag your backside along it. Gives temporary relief from itchy bot. Usually gets a laugh too.
I'm afraid the long term cure involves Mister/Missus and the big pill fiasco. (See Administration of Pills and Anti-biotics)
I'm afraid the long term cure involves Mister/Missus and the big pill fiasco. (See Administration of Pills and Anti-biotics)
Bottoms Up!
Don't know why but it's a reflex action. Stoke my back near the tail end, and my rear end automatically stands up! Please tell me what use this reflex is to anyone?!
Whoopees and Pings!
If you hear the sound of little voices yelling, "Whoopee" and Yehaa!" from behind, it could be you've got fleas. They have parties and merry orgies whilst living in your nice furry coat. You'll feel itchy and scratchy and will resent carrying these unwelcomed guests around all day.
Just make sure you spend a lot of time scratching and twitching all over in front of your owners. They'll get the message or better still they may get bitten by one of the pests.
Unfortunately you may get another pill for this, but sometimes it's just the wet neck treatment. You'll smell like a filling station but it's way better than Channel No.5!
Just make sure you spend a lot of time scratching and twitching all over in front of your owners. They'll get the message or better still they may get bitten by one of the pests.
Unfortunately you may get another pill for this, but sometimes it's just the wet neck treatment. You'll smell like a filling station but it's way better than Channel No.5!
Forget the Five a Day Thing!
We just don't like pretty scent type smells and particularly the smell of fruit. Why humans do is beyond me. Give me earthy, sweaty smells any day.
Citrus fruit is a real eye squinter. Owners may pass an orange near your nose just to see your expression.
Why would you want five of those a day? Yuck!
It'll be sour grapes when you smell a lemon....rather smell a rat!
Citrus fruit is a real eye squinter. Owners may pass an orange near your nose just to see your expression.
Why would you want five of those a day? Yuck!
It'll be sour grapes when you smell a lemon....rather smell a rat!
Say it with Faces.
You'd be surprised what we can say with our faces. Alright, so we ain't got proper lips to contort about. So we can't whistle.
Mouths shut, we've all got that permanent conceited grin. But we're not stuck with smiling. It's only a smile until we open our mouths. Then it turns into an angry tiger look. Revealing our vicious fangs and flesh chopping back teeth. Beware all around!
Our innocent green round eyes, all serene with slitted pupils, can soften human hearts with one doleful look. But, at the sight of a passing mouse....they become the evil black orbs of a fighting monster. Then, just as suddenly, when we slowly close them, we have the contented look of a happy, friendly chinaman.
Now our ears, they are useful. Doubly so. Who needs surround sound when you can swivel the left, the right or both to any angle! Not only can they fine tune what we listen to, but at the same time enhance our facial expressions.
One ear back and one forward - for the quizzical look. Both ears back for the alarmed countenance. One ear flattened for the sympathy vote, and both full ahead for major alertness.
Oh, and don't forget your whiskers! Super wicked requires all to the fore. Super serene, all swept back.
Pretty versatile, aren't we, eh?
Mouths shut, we've all got that permanent conceited grin. But we're not stuck with smiling. It's only a smile until we open our mouths. Then it turns into an angry tiger look. Revealing our vicious fangs and flesh chopping back teeth. Beware all around!
Our innocent green round eyes, all serene with slitted pupils, can soften human hearts with one doleful look. But, at the sight of a passing mouse....they become the evil black orbs of a fighting monster. Then, just as suddenly, when we slowly close them, we have the contented look of a happy, friendly chinaman.
Now our ears, they are useful. Doubly so. Who needs surround sound when you can swivel the left, the right or both to any angle! Not only can they fine tune what we listen to, but at the same time enhance our facial expressions.
One ear back and one forward - for the quizzical look. Both ears back for the alarmed countenance. One ear flattened for the sympathy vote, and both full ahead for major alertness.
Oh, and don't forget your whiskers! Super wicked requires all to the fore. Super serene, all swept back.
Pretty versatile, aren't we, eh?
Millhouse the Slob.
What goes up won't come down!
On the end of our walking sticks we've got hooks.
When we discover these as kittens we use them to climb everything and anything. Trees, curtains, wallpaper and even human legs! They seem to be curved specially for gripping. Ideal for going upwards and also hooking things.
But, damn it, we just can't master the mechanics involved in climbing down or letting go. We can't come down a vertical tree trunk head first because our claws curve the wrong way, and we can't even let go of a piece of string once we've hooked it.
It's a problem we cats just have to live with. Kittens who've met a fireman at the top of a tree never make the same mistake twice.
When we discover these as kittens we use them to climb everything and anything. Trees, curtains, wallpaper and even human legs! They seem to be curved specially for gripping. Ideal for going upwards and also hooking things.
But, damn it, we just can't master the mechanics involved in climbing down or letting go. We can't come down a vertical tree trunk head first because our claws curve the wrong way, and we can't even let go of a piece of string once we've hooked it.
It's a problem we cats just have to live with. Kittens who've met a fireman at the top of a tree never make the same mistake twice.
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