Another Job For Two-Legs.

Scene: The garden patio. A blackbird is feeding his two young fledglings on their first outing from the nest. Lord Millhouse the badun' watches hungrily through the catflap ready to dash out and commit an evil deed.
Fx: The threatening sound of "Jaws" music is heard inside Lord Millhouse's head.
Mr Two-legs: You can forget that little plan right away, young Millhouse! You'll be having a civilised breakfast like the rest of us.
He locks the catflap just as Lord Millhouse presses his head against the clear plastic. Lord Millhouse scrabbles and meows in protest.
Lord Millhouse: But I only want to play with them. You know, pat them on the back. Chivvy them along a bit. Play chase around the garden.
Mr Two-legs: Oh really? How silly of me. Oh yes, I'll let you out if you play nice and gently Millhouse .....the badun'! And to think I thought you just might want one itty bitty blackbird for breakfast. How unfair of me not to trust you!
Lord Millhouse: Yeth, it is unfair, Mr Nasty man! You always think the worst of me, pouch face. Why only two weeks ago, didn't I bring old Yorick home alive and well to live in our kitchen? Now he lives happily in luxury in the summer house. Rejoice, merry Yorick. I raised his standard of living, didn't I Hercules?
I stare blankly at the fridge door and flick the tip of my tail as if to say, "don't include me in this discussion!"
Lord Millhouse: See, I don't always murder my playmates. Now let me out!
Mr Two-legs: Nope! I'm sorry but you're not going out there to cause mayhem with the baby birds on their first day out; after all the hard work their mummy and daddy have done and all. Now, go and have a wash somewhere and forget about the birdies.
He flapped his hands at Lord Millhouse impatiently.
Lord Millhouse: Meanie! I am going to play with the new birdies so there! Let me out, rotter!
He scratches and scrabbles at the catflap then trots through the house to the front door and pulls at the carpet. There's no way out.
Mr Two-legs: I said forget it! Go and flop down somewhere for half an hour, for goodness sake!
Lord Millhouse continues to walk around the house for some time, noticeably agitated. Then all goes quiet.
A while later Mr Two-legs enters into the kitchen where Lord Millhouse and I are in our 'Lions at rest' poses discussing the MP's expense claims scandal.
Mr Two-legs: OK. Paws up, who left the pile of poo on the bathroom carpet?
I put my ears back, in surprise. Millhouse grins smugly and turns his head the other way.
Mr Two-legs: Well thankyou very much, boys!
There's a clatter as the carpet shampoo machine is prepared.
It's just another day. Gosh! I'm starving!


Herky