Wisdom from an old Tom.

1) Litter Trays.
Litter trays are great! (Especially in bad weather.)
If you're a kitten, your owners will buy you a tinsy winsy tray. Easy to climb into, but hard to keep tidy.
If this is a problem, make sure you flick litter high over the edge when digging your aiming area. If they've left an old poo in there whop that out too and as a final statement, make sure you mis-aim anything you excrete way over the edge.
Your owners will buy you a much larger tray pretty pronto and in future will always clear it out before your next visit.

2) Free Access.
If you want to be allowed in rooms unsupervised, avoid:
-climbing flock wallpaper or curtains if you're over 6 months old. (For some reason the amusement value seems to die back as you get bigger.)
-sharpening your claws on the soft furnishings. This may result in an absolute ban from any room. I can assure you this is not good in the long run!

3) Delaying Tactics.
When being chased by another cat or dog, having created a bit of space between yourself and the pursuer, always stop to lick your bottom no matter how urgent the required escape. Other animals seem to respect personal hygiene above all else and will hold back. They know how annoying an itchy bottom can be and this gives you time to gauge their reaction and think what to do next. Usually standing side-on with ears flat, arched back and hissing creates a stand off situation. Then you can either march towards your adversary staring him in the eye or slink off slowly with your head low.

4) Hunting Rules.
We can't help it when we're outside. This killing instinct. It takes up to ten years for us to learn that we don't need to hunt. Why? Because our owners will feed us anyway. However, we have to learn this ourselves the slow way. If you don't wish to upset your owner don't:
-proudly bring your catches indoors. (They just don't like it and will scream and flap their arms waving dustpans about.)
-tease and toss the victim about in the back garden. (Great fun for you, but you get the evil eye when you go indoors and may not be offered a lap to sit on for days).
-bite off heads and chew them in full view of your owner, and don't ever eat the grey slimy bit or tail. Witches use those in their potions.
-catch birdies. (Humans love birdies almost as much as they love you, so play fair).
If you must do it, do it somewhere privately.

5) Throwing up Skills.
Every now and then, we bolt our food down only to throw it up straight away. Try to develop the shuffling backwards technique whilst ejecting the food. It forms a nice straight line and can look just like it did before we ate it. So much easier for the owner to clear up. Avoid too much gloop when doing this! Lumpy gloop requires much effort to remove from carpets and makes your owner walk about retching which is not nice to watch or listen to.

6) Sleeping Spots.
Never choose the same sleeping spot for more than a few days at a time. The theory is that your enemies may get to know where you go and come looking. So vary your sleeping quarters. Even if your owner buys you a bed, avoid using it otherwise they'll keep coming to fiddle with you and make silly noises in your ears. Damned annoying! (However, I must admit one of those hammocks that hangs on a radiator is pretty hard to resist).

7) The Poking Man.
When you're ill your owners will take you to the Poking man. You'll be lured into a box or carry case with a grotty old piece of newspaper in it. Barely enough room to swing erm...a rat. Once you've seen this scenario arise you'll never willingly get in that box again, believe me! Paws out wide against the mouth of the box and as much scrabbling as you can muster holds things up for a while.
You'll be unceremoniously transported in a car to the Poking man's torture house. There's an opportunity here, if you can muster up a wee or poo, to show your disapproval of the proceedings. (Makes it more unpleasant for Poking man when he gets you out.)
The Poking man's waiting room has a particular odour of doggy damp, rabbit straw, birdie feather, furry things, with a hint of dog bottom wind and disinfectant about it. Makes you go all wide eyed and nervous. (Told you you'd never go in that box willingly again!)
But worse is to come. Poking man has a firm grip. He prods, squeezes, forces your mouth open, rams his fingers down your throat and abuses your rear end with a glass stick! Sometimes four hands are used to fix you on his extremely slippery table.
I personally think Poking men are some kind of pussophiles.
And don't imagine when you get back home that it's all over either!

8) Administration of Pills and Anti-biotics.
Your owners will have been given a four hourly challenge after the Poking man visit. It's a game of will power. Their challenge is to squirt or flick some foul tasting stuff past your tongue regularly for three or four days! Your task is to see how awkward you can make the whole procedure.
Inexperienced owners will first try to hide a tablet in your food. This is easy. Neatly eat your dinner leaving a little stack of food with the pill perched on top and walk away. Owner will scratch head and groan with hands on hips.
Next he/she will start speaking to you sweetly and make an undignified lunge for you across the room. But you're having none of that now you know what the game is, are you!?
They may wrap you in a towel as a straight jacket. My advice is to just keep struggling. A howl or growl gives the moment more urgency, I find. But, usually you'll end up with your jaws being forced open. The advantage here is that even two humans haven't got enough hands to hold you, force your mouth open, flick a pill and keep your tongue out of the way all at the same time. With practice you'll find you can lodge the pill between lip and gum long enough for the humans to think you've swallowed the damned thing. If you're really clever, saunter off calmly to spit it out behind the settee.
There are occasions when you may not win this game. Fortunately, it crops up only infrequently, but know the signs!

9) The Once a Day Mad Moment.
Remember, all cats must have a daily mad moment. Just run about randomly in and out of rooms with tail hooked in the air through table legs and over important paperwork. Try to look where you're going though. Solid walls tend to make your bottom catch up with your head. You don't want to find yourself looking out of your own bottom now, do you? I find I'm most disposed to this behaviour after a satisfying poo. Such a feeling of achievement! Job done!

10) Food on Floor!
Owners usually supply a feeding bowl which either slides under the edge of a cupboard so you have to flatten your ears to get at the bloomin' food or a steep sided bowl where you can't get your tongue round the bottom. So, hoik the food out onto the floor. Drop it in lumps untidily, eat a few bits and leave the rest for someone to tread in. That's retribution for visits to Poking man.

11) Speaking.
This is a matter of personal preference. Some of us talk a lot. Some of us are more reticent. I personally only say hello if I haven't seen a particular human for a while or if I am desperate for something. I never draw attention to any domestic crimes I may have committed such as ripping up the carpet. Then my lips are sealed and I just maintain that blank wide eyed expectant expression. Works a treat!
Of course, we can say 'Meow' in many different tones according to what the situation requires. A 'brrrt' for surprise, and a nice rumbling purr for satisfaction. This latter can be mistaken for drilling when you're behind the settee. Watch out if you strike oil! Remember the owner's carpet!

12) Tails.
Our tails seem to be connected directly to our brains. A bit of a give away really. We can do 'up in the air for greetings', 'flipping the tip' for mild irritation, 'big swipes' for very annoyed and 'short bursty swipes' for disgust.
But when we run, it has to stream out behind us like a hooked wavy line just to keep it out of the way. Oh, and there's the handy counter-balance use when wobbling along a fence.... .sort of swirling in circles. Very useful. Don't know what Mr Manx cat does about tightrope walking.

13) Wet Fur.
This is a great one! If you've got caught out by the rain and are glistening with rain drops all over. Pop in the cat flap with an enthusiastic expression on your face and look for a human in the kitchen. Bare legs are best. The objective is to wipe off the rainwater by rubbing around their ankles using them like a windscreen wiper. Top marks if you can slip between their legs and squeegee both sides at once!
Finish the objective off by jumping up onto a surface where there are important papers laid out leaving muddy paw prints all over them. 'Fait accompli'- just a few bits to lick and you're home and dry!

14)Beware of Bags.
Always give humans with sacks and bin bags a wide space. Some humans are bogey men and may want to abduct you. Your owner may just be taking the rubbish out but they deliberately try to make you jumpy by vigorously shaking them in your direction. Strange what amuses them.
Sometimes they even lure you into a bag for a game. You'll find once you've got your head inside you can't see where you're going. Before you know it, it's back to the head through your own bottom scenario if you're not careful!